Clown World Emperor.

March 20, 2026

79 years old. Can't close an umbrella. Can't walk down a ramp without looking like a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel. But sure, let's put him on a gold coin looking like he's about to arm wrestle the Resolute Desk.

Fists down. Jaw set. The stern face of a man who just found out Diet Coke doesn't come in a bigger cup.

And his own hand-picked panel of mates voted for it. Unanimously. What a shock. The Commission of Fine Arts, every single member a Trump appointee, reckoned this was a ripper idea. One of them was Chamberlain Harris. She's 26. She's his executive assistant. She's on a federal arts commission now. And her expert artistic opinion? “The larger the better.” That's what she said. Make the coin as big as possible. Because, and I quote the other commissioner, “the president likes big things.” That bloke, James McCrery, was the architect for Trump's proposed 90,000 square foot ballroom addition to the White House. So he's clearly got no bias whatsoever.

Meanwhile, the actual panel that's supposed to review these things, the Citizens Coinage Advisory Committee, the bipartisan one Congress set up with actual coin experts and historians? They said no. They said this is what kings and dictators do. Republican members said no. A bloke appointed by Mitch McConnell said it goes against American culture. They held a meeting, put their objections on the record, and then the US Mint quietly deleted the video from YouTube.

Just deleted it.

Because dissent about a fucking coin was too much for these people to handle.

Federal law says no living president goes on US currency. But don't worry, they've got a loophole. It's a “commemorative” coin. For the 250th anniversary of the country. You know, the revolution. The one where Americans told a king to get fucked. And they're celebrating it by putting Dear Leader on a gold coin like he's bloody Caesar.

And it's not even a profile. It's not a dignified side-on portrait like every other coin in the history of the republic. No. It's a full frontal tough guy pose. Leaning forward. Fists on the desk. Like a 79 year old man threatening the McDonald's cashier because they forgot his extra sauce.

This is the bloke who sold $100 steaks and $35 bibles and a crypto coin that made his mates rich and everyone else broke. And now he's on actual government-issued gold. Looking like a Wish.com Mussolini.

“No profile more emblematic of the enduring spirit of our country and democracy.” That's what the US Treasurer said. About a bloke who tried to overturn an election. On a coin celebrating the birth of democracy. You could not write satire this clean.

Every dictator in history started with the coins. Every single one. Augustus. Napoleon. Kim Jong Il. Saddam. You slap your mug on the money and you're telling the country who it belongs to. And the Americans who threw tea in a harbor 250 years ago because they were sick of a monarch telling them what to do are now being asked to celebrate that moment with a gold coin featuring a bloke who won't leave the stage.

Happy birthday, America. Your present is a gold-plated participation trophy for a man who already has everything except dignity, humility, and the ability to drink water with one hand.